Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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