This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
barbara walters just said penis...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
