why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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