I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
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Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
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I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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