he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
