haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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