I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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