life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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