Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
