now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
