Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
