Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
