I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
