What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
