I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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