yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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