You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
