my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
