that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
