Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
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Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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