I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
