Will you blow on my dice?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
