i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
