lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
