i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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