i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
