i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
