They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
