I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
