i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
