I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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