So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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