guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens