The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ