come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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