Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
