He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
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I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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