oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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