I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
