You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
