did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
