I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
