It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
