Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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