Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
