she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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