Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
