hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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