he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When are your genitals available?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
