last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you had me at cake vodka
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
