I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Terrible idea I love it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
