I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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