i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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