And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so let's talk penis.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
