I just threw up on my dentist
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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