he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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