My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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