At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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