I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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