connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
